Born To Run The Numbers: Political/Election Song Archive

"Sequester" (March 5, 2013)
To the tune of Cheap Trick's "Surrender"...

Boehner told me, yes he told me, “We must cut the debt”

Bernanke told me, “Stay away, a stall’s about all you’ll get”

Well I had thought Republicans were crazy ‘bout defense

Guess not enough to force some common sense

Boehner’s not right, Cantor’s not right

They both seem a little weird

Sequester, sequester, the sane folks have gone away, ay, aaaaaaay

Krugman says that Keynes is right, you spend when times are worse

Austerity adds to your pain, the Brits’ down-spiraling curse

The GOP just cannot see that Europe’s on their plan

And once caused the “lost decade” in Japan

Boehner’s not right, Cantor’s not right

They both seem a little weird

Sequester, sequester, the sane folks have gone away, ay, aaaaaaay

Whatever happened to all good reason; losers on the Hill

Now Obama’s stopped the blinking, they can’t pass a bill

Now Gallup shows Americans prefer Obama’s way

But gerrymandered districts have more sway

Boehner’s not right, Cantor’s not right

They both seem a little weird

Sequester, sequester, the sane folks have gone away, ay, aaaaaaay

Awaaaaaaay.
Awaaaaaaay.

Sequester, sequester, the sane folks have gone away

(Boehner’s not right, Cantor’s not right)
Sequester, sequester, the sane folks have gone away

(Boehner’s not right, Cantor’s not right)
Sequester, sequester the sane folks have gone away

(Boehner’s not right, Cantor's not right)
Sequester, sequester, the sane folks have gone away

(Boehner’s not right, Cantor’s not right)
(Barry's alright, Harry's alright, Nancy's alright, Lew's alright)
Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away.
(We’re all alright, we’re all alright, we’re all alright, we’re all alright!!!)
Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away.
(Boehner’s not right, Cantor’s not right)

{Fade...}

Scott Brown: "Bad Bad Scotty Brown" (February 6, 2013)
To the tune of Jim Croce's big hit, "Bad Bad Leroy Brown"...

Well the red side of the Bay State

Is the smallest part of town

But if you go down there

You better just beware of a man named Scotty Brown

Now Scotty's got good approval ratings

You see he’s up about fifty-four

And the Chicago boys fear he just might pull a double

And grab that special seat once more

Cause he’s bad bad Scotty Brown

He turned the Bay State upside down

Handsomer than JFK

And waitin’ for another day

He’s got an old GMC Canyon

He’s got a spread inside Cosmo

He used to drain long jumpers

For that old Tufts varsity, for their elephant Jumbo

Now Scotty, he whipped Coakley

He’s no non-telegenic hack

He smashed Harry Reid’s superduper majority

And brought the filibuster back

Cause he’s bad bad Scotty Brown

He turned the Bay State upside down

Handsomer than JFK

And waitin’ for another day

But he lost to Lizzy Warren

She had the brand and she had the bucks

But when the GOP got rid of Susan Rice

You thought old Scotty’s back in luck

So the GOP went knocking

They said it’s yours again, Scott, our dream

And when you win again this coming June

You get to run again in ‘14

And then Scotty got to thinking

His mind a-closin’ like a steel trap

“I got a bright old future, maybe in the Statehouse

Why do I need that Senate crap?”

Cause he’s bad bad Scotty Brown

He turned the Bay State upside down

Handsomer than JFK

And waitin’ for another day

Handsomer than JFK (oh lawd)

Still waitin’ for another day….

"Fiscal Cliff Persuasion" (December 3, 2012)

To the tune of Tommy James and the Shondells’ classic “Crystal Blue Persuasion"

Look over yonder

Crunch time for our nation…

Tax breaks expiring

And sequestration….

But a new day is coming (ooo ooo)

Repubs are a’ changing

Nordquist’s a’ runnin’ (ooo ooo)

Fiscal cliff persuasion

Better get ready

For gives from the right

Revenue is the answer (ooo ooo)

And that’s all right

So don't you give up now (ooh ooh)

So easy to find

Raise rates and close loopholes

Just open your mind

Fiscal cliff persuasion (mmm, mmm)

It’s ne-go-ti-a-tion

Fiscal cliff persuasion

Maybe tomorrow

Our budget will balance

Far less to borrow

Entitlements less like France

They’ll be…

Strong defense

A wide safety net

Fiscal cliff persuasion, yeah
Fiscal cliff persuasion, aha

Fiscal cliff persuasion, aha

"Four AM in Ohio" (November 6, 2012)

To the tune of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young’s “Ohio.”

Obama or Romney coming

We’re finally gonna know

Get set for some late night summing

Four AM in Ohio

Gotta countdown to it

Phone banks are tracking us down

Sick of it long long ago

What if we watch it and

It’s a dead heat all around?

Time for the Jim Baker show?

Gotta countdown to it

Swing states will finally ground

Lawyers line up, recounts grow

What if Wolf calls it and

Then they switch it around?

How can you sleep if you don’t know?

Obama or Romney coming

We’re finally gonna know

Get set for some late night summing

Four AM in Ohio
Four AM in Ohio

Four AM in Ohio

(How many more?)

Four AM in Ohio

(Five?)

Four AM in Ohio

(Six?)

Four AM in Ohio

(Chadds?)

Four AM in Ohio

(The Courts?)

Four AM in Ohio

Barack Obama: "I Am Barack, I Need Ohio" (October 30, 2012)

To the tune of Simon & Garfunkle’s “I Am a Rock (I Am An Island)”

Election Day

The first Tuesday in November

I am ahead

Gazing at my spreadsheet, two columns and a row

I can tell my lead is thin over my foe

I am Barack

I need Ohiiiiiii-o

My team calls

Raised money by the billions

To keep up with Mitt’s Super PACs

I got turned down by Wall Street; Wall Street’s such a pain

I can’t outspend Mitt Romney like McCain

I am Barack

I need Ohiiiiiii-o

Don’t talk of Florida

Oh I won that state before

But winning there’s just a memory

I’ll carry Colorado -- and Nevada, too

But to make two-hundred seventy come true

I am Barack

I need Ohiiiiiii-o

I have my Ax

And Messina to protect me

I am wielding all my power

Fighting against gloom, so one-term ain’t my doom

I (now) punch Romney when he punches me

I am Barack

I need Ohiiiiiii-o

I’m Barack and I’m game…

And Ohio is the prize

Mitt Romney: "Binders of Girls" (October 18, 2012)

To the tune of Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl."

Hey, where do we go?

Need gals on our team

Just preppy guys here

We’re male to the extreme

Bondin’ and high fivin’, hey hey

Governin’ and stumpin’

In the Bay State capital

With our, our chests a-thumpin’…

We need….we need some girls.

We ne-eed….binders of girls.

And whatever happened to...

All-male government teams

Change caught me nappin’

Back in the sixties…

Standin’ in the hallway gawkin’

Watch ‘em bustlin’ to and fro

“Get me some coffee, dear”

I guess that’s gotta go…when we…

Get binders of girls…

We ne-eed….binders of girls.

Do you remember when
We used to sing?
We’re all men, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, la te da
Just like that
We’re all men, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, la te da
La te da

So hard to find my way

Now I’m the Bay State’s guv

I guess we have to find some babes

Should be a labor of love

Let ‘em out at 5 o’clock, hey

So they can cook up for their men

Give ‘em baby-raisin’ leave, ‘cause

We don’t fund contraceptives...oh yeah…

We need some girls

We ne-eed…binders of girls

Do you remember when
We used to sing?
We’re all men, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha la te da
Just like that
We’re all men, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha la te da
La te da

Barack Obama: "Wake Up, Barry" (October 10, 2012)

To the tune of the Rod Stewart's "Maggie May."

Wake up, Barry, I think I’ve got something to say to you

It’s mid-October and Romney just made you look like a fool

I hate to bring you the news, but you just might really lose

Obama you could have tried, a bit more

You and the Mitt-man reversed your roles, and you lost your lead in the polls

You mailed it in and that’s what really hurts

The morning joes got into your face with a brand new page

And that should worry you, man, ‘cause you could blow everything

You passed on Romney’s Big Hoax, you didn’t crack any good jokes

Obama you could have tried, a bit more

You and the Mitt-man reversed your roles, and you lost your lead in the polls

You mailed it in and that’s a pain Ax can do without

All we needed was a jab or two to hold the lead

But you turned into a zombie and

Mother what a zombie you just zoned out

All you did was wreck your cred

And let Dave Gergen kick you in the head

Obama you could have tried, a bit more

You and the Mitt-man reversed you roles, and you lost your lead in the polls

You mailed it in and couldn't have done much worse

I propose that you collect your wits and do some debate prep

And show a little fire, get that bounce back in your struttin’ step

Or find yourself a new debate coach… that knows how to encroach

Obama I wish you hadn’t lost first place

You made a first-class fool out of you

Made Mitt look like Abe Lincoln, too

But get on track, ‘cause you must win anyway

Barry I wish you’d never lost first place

You’ll get back on top, I know…one of these days….

Paul Ryan: "You Can't Hide Those Ryan Lies" (September 5, 2012)

To the tune of the Eagles' "Lyin' Eyes"...

VP candidates, they find out early

How to slash and burn with a wide smile
A few mistruths and he won’t have to worry
He knows Politifact just ain’t in style

Prepping one night, his big old speech feels tired
His ideas don’t seem to have too much spice
Yet he knows he’s got to get the faithful wired
This just ain’t the time for feelin’ a bit too nice

So he pulls out of his head a few real tall ones
Thinkin’ they’ll get him out of his tired box
Maybe turn Tampa into a fiery cauldron
He’ll mislead his way to big time on mighty Fox

You can't hide those Ryan lies
And his smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide those Ryan lies

On the other side of town the press is waiting
The fact-checkers whipped into a frenzied zeal
They listen to all the crap that he’s creating
And they document what’s fake and make it real

He rips Medicare “cuts” he claims Obama’s planning

But he leaves out that he’d make the same “cuts” too

Says Obama failed on promises made in Janesville
But that plant was closed while under “W”

You can't hide those Ryan lies
And his smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide those Ryan lies

He’s on a roll, he gets to the debt ceiling

Says Obama should have embraced Simpson-Bowles

But he never says that in his backroom dealing

He’s the one who’s vote left it out in the cold

So he lays the credit downgrade on Obama

When it was the GOP that waged that fight

'Cause when we almost melted down on debt deal drama

Moody’s blamed the whole darn thing square on the right

Does he wonder how it quickly got this crazy
He thinks about the boy he was in school
When did he become so intellectually lazy?
If he tells more lies, he’ll look just like a fool

Sure enough he tells about a race he once ran

Says he ran that marathon in “under three”

But they looked it up, and wow that was a new scam

It was “over four,” for all the world to see

You can't hide those Ryan lies
And his smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide those Ryan lies
There ain't no way to hide those Ryan lies
Romney, you can't hide your Ryan lies

Mitt Romney: "Help Me Ryan, Help Help Me Ryan" (August 29, 2012)

To the tune of the Beach Boys' "Help Me Rhonda"

Well since my polls were down

I was cranking data in my head

Thinkin’ ‘bout which Veep just might

Get me up and out ahead

Well, Ryan you look so fine (look so fine!)

You got a plan which makes the right all mine

You gotta help me Ryan

Help me give my race a jump start

Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan
Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan

Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan
Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan
Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan
Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan
Help me Ryan, yeah, give my race a jump start

I thought about Christie

But he’s a giant spotlight hog (wa wa-ooo)

And Pawlenty and Portman

Have the wattage of a sleepin’ dog (wa wa-ooo)

Well, Ryan you caught my eye (caught my eye!)

And I can give you lotsa reasons why

You gotta help me Ryan

Help me give my race a jump start

Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan
Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan

Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan
Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan
Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan
Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan
Help me Ryan yeah, give my race a jump start

Well since you joined the show

Your face is showing up everywhere (wa wa-ooo)

But I guess I shoulda known

That all we’d talk about is Medicare (wa wa-ooo)

Oh Ryan we might get trounced (might get trounced!)

You ain’t been given me much of a bounce

You gotta help me Ryan

Help me give my race a jump start

Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan
Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan

Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan
Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan
Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan
Help me Ryan, help, help me Ryan
Help me Ryan yeah, give my race a jump start

Mitt Romney: "Gaffe Gaffe, I Thought I'd Die (August 14, 2012)

To the tune of the Beau Brummels' “Laugh Laugh”

I hate to say it but I know it’s so
I can’t avoid myself
I need to show that I’m a common Joe, but
Often my odd words betray my…monstrous wealth

I talk about the Cadillacs we own
Car elevators built
The Nascar owners to whom I’m well known
All this illustrates I’m elite… to the hilt

Gaffe, gaffe, I thought I'd die
It seems so easy for me,
Gaffe, gaffe, I am the guy
Who talked his way to misery
Ungainly, I’m so ungainly

Don't think I don’t know what I’m doing when
I flip and then I flop
But when I toss off fancy dressage gems
I don’t seem to get that I’m a…dandy fop

Won't say I'm sorry for the things I said
I’ll just throw up my hands
Won’t say I ruined all my global cred
When I said the Brits can’t match my…Olympic plans

Gaffe, gaffe, I thought I'd die
It seems so easy for me,
Gaffe, gaffe, I am the guy
Who talked his way to misery
Ungainly, I’m so ungainly

I called Paul Ryan “our next President”

It made you cringe at me

After I speak you can’t tell what I meant

My circumlocution is a...mystery

My campaign handlers keep me on a leash

Manage just what I say

They try to keep the press out of my reach

But the wrong words still slip out, oh...once a day

Gaffe, gaffe, I thought I'd die
It seems so easy for me,
Gaffe, gaffe, I am the guy
Who talked his way to misery
Ungainly, I’m so ungainly

Mitt Romney: "You Ran Bain, You Probably Ran it From the Olympics" (July 19, 2012)

To the tune of Carly Simon's "You're So Vain"

The tax breaks, from your Party...are made for those who might own a yacht
You think strategically about your point of view...conviction is not your lot
You've got both eyes on the end game and...you can't afford a blot...
And Portman dreams that he may be your partner,
May be your partner and...

You ran Bain...you probably ran it from the Olympics
You ran Bain (ran Bain!)...you probably ran it from the Olympics
Didn't you? Didn't you?

Well you released one year of tax returns...you thought that was all they'd need
And you parked your net worth in some Cayman banks...to try to hide all your greed
Well you're right on message all the time...and when you're not, you look...
Defensive...or maybe quite like Gordon Gekko,
Like Gordon Gekko and....

You ran Bain...you probably ran it from the Olympics
You ran Bain (ran Bain!)...you probably ran it from the Olympics
Didn't you? Didn't you?

Well I hear you frolicked in Winnipesaukee...and Ann's horse naturally won
Then you flew your Cessna out to the Hamptons...and gosh you sure raised a ton
But you gave away your self-respect...all for this artless run...
And Portman dreams that he may be your partner,
May be your partner and...

You ran Bain...you probably ran it from the Olympics
You ran Bain (ran Bain!)...you probably ran it from the Olympics
Didn't you? Didn't you?

Mitt Romney: "(I Can't Win on) Immigration" (July 4, 2012)

To the tune of the Stones' "(I Can't get No) Satisfaction"...

I can't win on… immigration
I can't win on… immigration
So I bob, and I weave, but I can't make it leave

I can't win on…oh no no no

I'm talkin' at some town hall
And Obama comes on the radio
He's makin' an executive call
Gonna stop that deportation
I'm gettin' killed on immigration
I can't win on…oh no no no
They can't stay, that's what I say

I can't win on… immigration
I can't win on… immigration
So I bob, and I weave, but I can't make it leave

I can't win on…oh no no no

Well I'm watchin' NBC
And Chuck Todd comes on to tell me
How white my votes will be
But that won't be enough 'cause Latinos vote
For Democrats, not me
I can't get no, oh no no no
They can't stay, that's what I say

I can't win on… immigration
I can't win on… immigration
So I bob, and I weave, but I can't make it leave

I can't win on…oh no no no

When I'm in Latino states
And I want to say I'm pro-Dream Act
But I dissed it in those debates
And baby baby Obama's havin' a great week
And Roberts kept up his winning streak
I can't win on, oh no, no, no
They can't stay, that's what I say

I can't win on, I can't win on
I can't win on….immigration
Darn immigration, that immigration

"Well It's a Marvelous Law With a Mandate" (June 25, 2012)

To the tune of Van Morrison's "Moondance"

Well it's a marvelous law with a mandate

Covers all at no added expense

And right up to your 26^th birth date

You've got coverage with your 'rents

And as for pre-existing conditions

They can't count on them to deny

And there's veto power on rate hikes

So our premiums don't go sky high

But now the Court's…got the power… to wipe out the whole law

And the far right's…on the warpath… for the so-called fatal flaw

Can we just keep that sweet mandate on the books, my judge?

Just give it some judicial restraint in your looks, my judge?

The irony of the opposition

Is that the mandate was born on the right

It was the Heritage Foundation

A right wing think tank that turned on that light

At the time they thought it was clever

A market-based private enterprise scheme

But back then how could they guess – no never

Obama'd steal it for his own big dream

But now the Court's…got the power… to wipe out the whole law

And the far right's…on the warpath… for the so-called fatal flaw

Can we just keep that sweet mandate on the books, my judge?

Just give it some judicial restraint in your looks, my judge?

Obama based his law on the Bay State's

Authored by Governor Mitt Romney

He made it the first item on his plate

With Scott Brown as vote number 60

But then the right wing couldn't abide that

And they took it straight to the courts

Got a district judge to reverse it

Made that the lead on all Fox reports

But now the Court's…got the power… to wipe out the whole law

And the far right's…on the warpath… for the so-called fatal flaw

Can we just keep that sweet mandate on the books, my judge?

Just give it some judicial restraint in your looks, my judge?

Well it's a marvelous law with a mandate

Covers all at no added expense

And right up to your 26^th birth date

You've got coverage with your 'rents

Keep the mandate…on a split delight

Keep that health law…on a split delight

That la-la-la-la-law -- keep the mandate!

On a split delight…

Can WE-EE just KE-EEP that SWE-EET mandate as law………my judge!?

Michelle Bachmann: "I Say a Little Prayer"

( to the tune of Dionne Warwick's "I Say a Little Prayer")

The moment I wake up
Or leave the debate for makeup
I say a little prayer for you

If you’re gay or a lez
I’ll change you when I am the Prez
I’ll say a little prayer for you

Forever, forever, we’ll live by free will!
And I will make sure
Forever, forever, there’s no Gardasil!
That’s how I'll govern
Together, together, I’ll end poverty!
By shipping those losers
To some other squalid country!

I campaign by bus, dear
Win the Iowa caucus , dear
I say a little prayer for you

Stick pins in Rick Perry
He looks a bit like John Kerry
I’ll say a little prayer for you

Forever, forever, I’ll say what I please
The facts won’t stop me
Forever, forever, I’ll speak Michelle-ese
I’ll use scare tactics
Together, together, I’ll get to DC

Herman Cain: "Hermanator"

To the tune of Jim Croce’s “Operator”

Hermanator…

Oh can you stay atop these polls?
You see the numbers on the spreadsheet are good but fading
She chats about her day…back at the good old N.R.A.
The things she says about you are quite degrading…

Isn't that the way they say it goes?
But let's forget all that,
And give me the message and you stay on it
So I can write this and tell 'em you’re fine and to show
You've overcome the blow, you've learned to spin it well
I only wish your words could just convince myself
that it just wasn't real…but that's not the way it feels

Hermanator
Oh could you help me with your plan?
'Cause I can't…get it to show any savings
There's something in the rhyme, you know they love that 9-9-9
They seem to think your rantings are not just ravings

Isn't that the way they say it goes?
But let's forget all that,
And give me the message and you stay on it
So I can write this and tell 'em you’re fine and to show
You've overcome the blow, you've learned to spin it well
I only wish your words could just convince myself
that it just wasn't real…but that's not the way it feels
No, no, no, no
That's not the way it feels

Hermanator
Can your campaign remain this strong?

You may not…manage to brush past this one

Thank you for your lines….your entertainment value’s fine

You can keep the nines……

Newt Gingrich: "There's a Bad Newt on the Right"

To the tune of Credence Clearwater Revival's “Bad Moon”

I see a bad Newt rising

Bombast and ego on the way

Debate style that’s pretty doggone fright’ning

Bash Mitt and poor John King all day

He may have three wives

But his campaign’s got nine lives

There's a bad Newt on the right

Can’t get the right wing all together

Bachmann, then Perry, Cain and Santorum

It’s been as varied as the weather

And no modicum of decorum

He may have three wives

But his campaign’s got nine lives

There's a bad Newt on the right

It looked all over last July now

Staff quit and he’s off on a cruise

Somehow he won in Carolina

That guy just doesn’t want to lose

He may have three wives

But his campaign’s got nine lives

There's a bad Newt on the right

He may have three wives

But his campaign’s got nine lives

There's a bad Newt on the right

Newt Gingrich: "You're a Mean One, Mr. Gingrich"

To the tune of “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”

You’re a mean one, Mr. Gingrich
You really are a pill.
You were cheating with Callista,
While you tried to impeach Bill,
Mr. Gingrich!

You're a “historian”…
At a lobbyist’s billing rate!

You're a monster, Mr. Gingrich!
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your divisiveness is legend

Your ego out of control,
Mr. Gingrich!

I wouldn't vote for you
Even if you led by…39-and-a-half points in the polls!

You're a vile one, Mr. Gingrich!
You have no polite decorum.
You have all the grace and charm
Of a desperate Rick Santorum,
Mr. Gingrich!

Given the choice between the two of you,
I'd take….a desperate Rick Santorum!

You're a foul one, Mr. Gingrich!
You're an opportunist skunk!
You were censured as the Speaker,

Your final grade at that was “flunk,”
Mr. Gingrich!

The three words that best describe you
Are as follows, and I quote,
”Stink! Stank! Stunk!”

You're a rotter, Mr. Gingrich!
You're a media-bashing dope!
You sneer at your inquisitors,
You’re a total misanthrope,
Mr. Gingrich!

Your brain is an appalling dump-heap,
Overflowing with the most discordant
assortment of ludicrous ideas imaginable,
Hey, for one, let’s ignore the Supreme Court!

You nauseate me, Mr. Gingrich
You really are a curse
But you are still atop in Gallup

Can the other ones be worse?
Mr. Gingrich!

You're a warmed-over flip-flopping upside-down cake
With arsenic frosting!

Rick Santorum: "Hit the Road, Rick"

To the tune of Ray Charles' "Hit the Road Jack"

(Hit the road Rick and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Rick and don't you come back no more.)
What you say?
(Hit the road Rick and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Rick and don't you come back no more.)

Mainstream Republicans, I’ll split this scene,
And baby I’ll be back in 2016.
But I guess since I have no dough (Oh!)

I have to pack my bags and go. (Oh yeah!)

(Hit the road Rick and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Rick and don't you come back no more.)
What you say?
(Hit the road Rick and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Rick and don't you come back no more.)

Establishment GOP, don't ya treat me this-a way
’Cause I’m “next in line” as you might say.
(Don't care if you are 'cause it's understood..
..we go back to the middle; this tea tastes no good.)
Well, we’ll see at the next show (Oh!)
It’s off to Iowa -- let’s go! (Oh yeah!)

(Hit the road Rick and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Rick and don't you come back no more.)
What you say?
(Hit the road Rick and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.)
(Hit the road Rick and don't you come back no more.)

Well
(don't you come back no more.)
What you want – another Bush?
(don't you come back no more.)
Oh, now baby, not the fat guy from Jersey….
(don't you come back no more.)
The Indiana guy – the guy with one wife, twice?
(don't you come back no more.)
Watch out for Newt….
(don't you come back no more.)

Or that Palin lady…

(don’t you come back no more.}

Or the birther, or the pizza guy...

(don’t you come back no more.}

Uh uh now baby….

(don’t you come back no more}

You don’t want that…

{don’t you come back no more}

Mitt Romney: "I Wanna Be Elected"

(to the tune of the Ramones “I Wanna Be Sedated”)

Twenty-twenty-twenty three weeks to go, I wanna be elected

Gotta win Florida and Ohio, I wanna be elected

Time to do a roadtrip, I just can’t make a goof

Someone go get Seamus, and strap him to the roof

I may not be so cuddly, but Obama is aloof

I’ve got to raise more dough

Twenty-twenty-twenty three weeks to go, I wanna be elected

I’m in a channeling Goldwater mode, I wanna be elected

Just get me to the airport, put me on a plane

Hurry hurry hurry, I’ve got to bash again

I can’t control my banter, the media’s a pain

It goes up on Huff Po

Twenty-twenty-twenty three weeks to go, I wanna be elected

Smashing Obama wherever I go, I wanna be elected

I can’t control the Birther, I think I don’t like gays

Hurry hurry hurry, just 160 days

Those Tea guys make me nervous, but they’re the latest craze

Let’s go go go go go!

Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be elected

Mitt Romney: "One Two Three"

To the tune of Len Barry's "One Two Three"

One two three,
Oh, that's how element'ry
It's gonna be
’Leven hundred and forty-four
It's easy (it's so easy)
Don’t need no spreadsheet (don’t need no spreadsheet!) or an MBA!

A-B-C (A-B-C)
Doing the delegate math
Was easy for me (easy for me)
Wish Rick would do it too,
It's easy (it's so easy)
Don’t need no spreadsheet (don’t need no spreadsheet!) or an MBA!

Baby, there's a simply set of hard facts
Basic'ly, it's as easy as dough
The hard part is winning without PAC’s
Without those PACs, babe, I’m a loser I know!

(One two three) (One two three)
It's easy (it's so easy)
Don’t need no spreadsheet (don’t need no spreadsheet!) or an MBA!

One and one are two (one and one are two!)
Newt knows the darn math too and oh,
Oh, he’s got a view (he’s got a view!)
He’ll try to fight it
'Cause he’s sleazy (he’s so sleazy!)
Wants to deny me (wants to deny me!), like a baby!

One two three,
Oh, that's how element'ry
It's gonna be
’Leven hundred and forty-four
It's easy (it's so easy)
Don’t need no spreadsheet (don’t need no spreadsheet!) or an MBA!

Ron Paul: "If Ron Paul Becomes President"

To the tune of “Age of Aquarias”

He’s a loon, and he is in the House
His point of view aligns with Mars
He’ll get a couple hundred delegates

Then return back to the stars

This is what happens if Ron Paul becomes President!
Ron Paul becomes President!
The President! The President!

Lots of new misunderstandings

Republicans feeling confounded
Legalizing marijuana
No more Patriot Act nirvana
Our troops home, repatriated
The Constitution liberated!
If Ron Paul’s Prez! If Ron Paul’s Prez!

If that loon was really in the White House

His simple cures would cause great alarm

Good fits for the 18^th century

Hopeless against our modern storms

This is what happens if Ron Paul becomes President!
Ron Paul becomes President!
The President! The President!

Lots of new misunderstandings

Democrats feeling confounded
Cabinet departments closing
Trillions cut from federal spending
Isolation to the max
No more federal income tax…
If Ron Paul’s Prez! If Ron Paul’s Prez!

Let the nut rant, Let the nut rant on

The nut rant on
Let the nut rant, Let the nut rant on

The nut rant on

"Rick Perry, Bachmann and John"

(To the tune of “Abraham, Martin and John”)

Has anybody here seen old Rick Perry?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He brain froze on the DOE,
And it seems that was the norm…
Since then he’s hung around…for too long

Anybody here seen old Michelle Bachmann?
Can you tell me where she's gone?
She said the HPV vaccine

Caused retardation

Based on a sample of….one

Anybody here seen old John Huntsman?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He was the conservative

The liberals seemed to love

I guess that’s why he’s…in this song

Didn't you wonder at the odd things they stood for?
Didn't they try to move to center stage?
But now they’re free
To contemplate…a run in 2016 ...

Anybody here seen old Rick Santorum?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up over the hill,
With Rick Perry, Bachmann and John.

Rick Perry: "Bush Without the Brains"

To the tune of "The Patty Duke Show Theme Song"

Meet Bushie who failed most everywhere

From Iraq to the crash, a long nightmare

But Perry wants to be the Prez

And counter what Obama says

What a crazy pair!

They’re Texas guv’ners!

Identical guv’ners all the way!

One pair of matching bookends

Different as day and…day.

Where Bushie adores a bar-b-q

Long vacations, and Cheney too

Rick Perry likes to chat and dream

And talk about a Ponzi scheme

What a wild crew!

Still they’re guv’ners

Identical guv’ners and you’ll find

They walk alike, they talk alike

They pray and comb their hair alike

Rick’s an old refrain…

He’s Bushie….without the brains!!!!

Mitt Romney: "Both Sides Now"

To the tune of Judy Collins' "Both Sides Now"

When I was governor you see, I saw a health care tragedy

So I got coverage for all…I saw my role that way

But now that care is blasphemy …it’s wrecking the economy

I’d be the party’s nominee…but health care’s in my way

I’ve seen mandates from both sides now

Right for my state, but still somehow

It’s wrong for all the USA

I hate health care for all…..today.

For women, yes it’s their body…they have a right of privacy

Their choice to make, yes that was me…I was pro-choice that day

But now it’s looking bad for me, that I once said those words, oh gee

I want to be the nominee….abortion’s in my way

I’ve looked at choice from both sides now

It seemed right then, but still somehow

On second thought it’s bad I say

I’m violently opposed….today

Cheers and fears and feeling proud, to say "I want it" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes, convention crowds, I’ve looked at life that way
But Bay State friends are acting strange…they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Beliefs are lost, delegates gained…from running every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It’s “win” that blinds me to my fate
I’ll change my mind…it’s not….too late…

Rick Santorum: "He Will Follow Mitt"

To the tune of “I Will Follow Him”

He will follow Mitt, follow him where ever he may run
There isn't a caucus too small, a poll gap so big it can keep
Keep him away…

Santorum! Santorum! Santorum!

You really can’t ignore him…ignore him…ignore him!

He will follow Mitt, follow him to Minnesota
A state that Mitt won in oh-eight

But now Rick is changing his fate…

Rick must follow Mitt

Ever since he won Iowa we knew

That near Mitt Rick always must be

And nothing can stop him as he

Screws up Mitt’s destiny….

Santorum! Santorum! Santorum!

You really can’t ignore him…ignore him…ignore him!
He’ll always be a nuisance, a nuisance, a nuisance!
Right up to the convention, convention, convention!

He’ll dispense with Newt

Toss him in the nearest garbage bin

He’ll outflank Gingrich out on the right

And show his bark’s worse than his bite

And send him away!

Away from the prize!

Santorum! Santorum! Santorum!

He just won in Missouri, Missouri, Missouri

So what if it’s symbolic, symbolic, symbolic?

It sure has got Mitt worried, so worried, so worried

Wolf Blitzer’s in nirvana….

Suddenly the race is on again…

The people will watch after all

The race isn’t done, not at all

It’s too close to call!

Now it’s nearing 10….

Colorado is now in play

So what if just 10 votes are in

Santorum has got nine of them!

Can he really sweep?

Should I go to sleep?

Santorum! Santorum! Santorum!

You really can’t ignore him…ignore him…ignore him!
Can he really win a trifecta?

As Palin would say…you betcha!

He’s got the Big Mo!

42 states to go!!!!

Rick Santorum: "Who’s Left But Santorum?"

To the tune of The Doors' “Riders on the Storm”

Who’s left but Santorum?

Who’s left but Santorum?
You nixed all the rest of‘em

Now you’re left with Rick Santorum

It’s a field where no one’s shone

Now your vote’s without a home

Who’s left but Santorum?

The Tea Party’s feeling cold

‘Cause Mitt’s ahead and they’re not sold

They want a stronger right wing forum

But all they’ve got is Rick Santorum

And if they give that man the nod

We’ll all see that he’s quite odd

For the opinions that he holds

When you get him on a roll

You’ll find he’s against birth control

And so it isn’t happenstance

His favored method’s abstinence

And as for sex between two gays

It’s like sex with dogs says

I think no sex at all’s his goal

Well it’s not your field of dreams
No, no it’s not your field of dreams
Maybe Rick’s not a perfect fit
But then it’s either him or Mitt
That’s your choice in primary drama
To pick the one to beat Obama

And pray it’s better than it seems

Yeah!

Who’s left but Santorum?

Who’s left but Santorum?

"Southern Man"

To the tune of Neil Young's "Southern Man"

Southern man, better keep your head
All those wins, but you’re still not ahead
Southern wins over Mitt the sap

May feel good but there’s that delegate gap

Southern man

Money streaming from Super PACs

Reckless charges and harsh attacks

But Rick Santorum he don’t look back
He keeps spewing his right wing track
How long? How long? Ah ah ah ah!

Southern man, better keep your head
All those wins, but you’re still not ahead
Southern wins over Mitt the sap

May feel good but there’s that delegate gap

Southern man

Campaign drones on, it can’t end too soon

Mitt can’t close it, we’re here ‘til June

Or maybe August – Rick, shoot for the moon

No one’s winning, Obama’s grinning

How long? How long? Ah ah ah ah!!!!

"Super Tuesday"

To the tune of “Ruby Tuesday”

Used to be, by this time, it was done

But yesterday don’t matter, ‘cause no one’s won

No more delegate hauls

From primary winner-take-alls

And now we know…

No one gets Mo

Goodbye Super Tuesday

Not the closer we once knew

When its June and its still in play

Gonna miss the old you

We can lose, but win, I’ve heard Mitt say

Delegates will still trickle our way

Massachusetts’ gold

Virginia’s in the fold

But we can’t close…

No knockout blows

Goodbye Super Tuesday

Not the closer we once knew

When its June and its still in play

Gonna miss the old you

There’s no time to lose, I’ve heard Rick say

Win Ohio and Mitt will rue this day

Take Georgia and toot

That we’ve ejected Newt

Wind at our back

From Shelley’s PAC

Goodbye Super Tuesday

Not the closer we once knew

When its June and its still in play

Gonna miss the old you

"Sweet Home Alabama"

To the tune of Lynard Skynard's "Sweet Home Alabama"

Mitt’s views keep on turning
Ain’t no issue he can’t spin
Singing songs to please the Southland
He’ll do anything to win
(And I think it’s a sin)

Well, I heard Santorum’s views on women
Well, I know Rick wants to keep ‘em down
Well, I hope Rick Santorum will remember
They’re more than half of the hoedown

Sweet home Alabama
Where the stakes are huge
Sweet home Alabama
Lord, we’re coming down to you

(And Mississippi, too)

Now Rush Limbaugh raised a ruckus

For calling out that Sandra Fluke

For wanting birth control at Georgetown

Just like her girlfriends get at Duke

And nearby Texas has a guv’ner

Rejected federal funds, that’s cute
Now contraceptives do not bother me
Do they bother Rick and Newt?

Tell the truth…

Sweet home Alabama
Where the stakes are huge
Sweet home Alabama
Lord, we’re coming down to you
(And Mississippi, too)

Now Rick might win and slay the Gingrich

Oo-oo-oo

And show ol’ Mitt a thing or two

And while Mitt reminds us that he’s…so rich
He sure can PAC a punch on you

(Ain’t it true)

Sweet home Alabama
Where the stakes are huge
Sweet home Alabama
Lord, we’re coming down to you
(And Mississippi, too)

Campaign Summary to Date: "The Frontrunner Keeps on A-Changin’ "

To the tune of Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are a-Changin’ "

Sit back, you Republicans, the haul will be long

For the forces that divide your party are strong

You nix your contenders with the sound of a gong

And the net that you cast is wide-rangin’…