We take a break from politics to report on the ACPT, one of the truly wonderful events of our time. We wrestled with some tough puzzles, performed in the Talent Show as a band ("Clueless"), and soaked up the atmosphere with a special group of people. And for those attendees who asked for the lyrics to our song parody "We Didn't Solve the Puzzle," you can find them at the bottom of this post.
We have just returned from the 40th Annual
American Crossword Puzzle Tournament in Stamford, Ct., a weekend-long
extravaganza hosted by Will Shortz, the esteemed “enigmatologist” who is, of
course, the editor of The New York Times Crossword Puzzle. Will is not just a legend in the field, but rather
he is THE legend in the field. Will
founded the event in 1978 and has presided over each and every one since, and
does so with a calm tone (amidst the swirling madness), a gentle voice, and an incredible
repository of puzzle arcana – and he is the nicest person you would ever want
to meet.
Will and his trusty crew of volunteers (dozens of them) put
on quite a show. The main event is a
seven-puzzle competition, which attracted 619 entrants this year, up from 575 a
year ago. While it is open to all (for a
modest fee), it attracts the best solvers on the planet (and the constructors who
create the special puzzles used at the event are the best as well). And surrounding the competition are an array
of ancillary events including, this year, a Palindrome Championship, two nights
of additional contests just for fun, a rather fulsome awards ceremony and a
talent show to boot (“Crossworders Got Talent”).
For eleven years, from 2005 to 2015, the contest has been
dominated by two men, Tyler Hinman, who won the tournament the first five of
those years, and Dan Feyer, who unseated Hinman and whipped off six straight championships
of his own. Feyer and Hinman are
prototypes of classic sports match-ups, with Hinman playing the role of the
colorful and emotive crowd favorite, while Feyer is the cool machine, methodical
and menacing. Substitute the names
Palmer versus Nicklaus, Ali versus Frazier, Mickelson versus Woods or Namath
versus Unitas and you get the idea rather neatly.
But last year, Howard Barkin, a top ten finisher for years,
broke through and defeated Feyer in the finals, for which Hinman failed to
qualify. It should be noted that after
the seven contests, the three highest scorers, those who complete the puzzles
most accurately and in the fastest times, ascend to a stage and go head-to-head
in the finals under the bright lights, filling in the answers on giant white
boards, all the while sealed off from the screaming audience (complete with
exceptional play-by-play and color announcers) by their bodies (backs to the
crowd) and headphones of the kind that airport personnel use to block out the
noise of giant roaring airplanes.
The finals this year were no less exceptional than those of
the last two years, which were both certifiably epic. Two years ago, the last year Feyer won, he
defeated Hinman by literally half-a-second, using every last one of the five second
advantage he had earned over Hinman in the seven contest run-up (they both got
every puzzle absolutely right, but Feyer completed them a tad faster and was
duly rewarded with the advantage) to hold onto his title. Last year, Feyer seemed to be methodically rolling
to a seventh consecutive title when he lost his momentum and Barkin made his
move.
This year, Hinman was back in the finals, and itching for a
title after a seven-year gap in hoisting the cup. And he was on his game, easily outpacing
Feyer and Joon Pahk in the match (Pahk made the finals as Barkin was wiped out
by trouble in the notoriously difficult Puzzle Five). But alas, Hinman had uncharacteristically
made an error, coming up with TEATAX (as in “tea tax”) for 48 Down, clued as “drastic,
as cuts“ when the correct answer was MEATAX (as in “meat ax’). Hinman had no way of knowing that he had a
huge time advantage over Feyer and thus could have taken a bit of time to check
his work. Instead, he thrust his arm in
the air, yelled “DONE!” triumphantly (he could tell that Feyer and Pahk were
still at it), only to confront a sea of agonized faces when he turned around in
joy to face the crowd. He quickly looked
back at this puzzle, realized his error,
and became the very picture of despair, shoulders slouched, helplessly watching
as Feyer tidied up, corrected his own
miscue, and claimed victory.
Theirs was not the only championship playoff. Contestants are divided into various skill
levels, A through E, and the top three categories have their own finals. Each levels’ finalists solve the same puzzle,
but the clues are progressively harder, with, in Will’s words, Level C’s being “pretty
hard,” Level B’s “difficult” and Level A’s “excruciating.” The drama this year was that, inadvertently (and
echoing the Oscars), a mistake was made and the “B” folks were given the “A”
clues. But they soldiered on and each
completed the puzzle anyway, within the time limit. (And form held, as “A” champ Dan Feyer
completed his puzzle three minutes faster than his B champion counterpart, Brian McCarthy, using identical clues.)
My wife, daughter and I are tangential players in this crossword
drama. Out of the 619 players, I
finished in 542nd, just one place behind my wife, Wendy. We may be among the best in our hometown, but
we meet our betters in Stamford. Kristy,
however, is rising swiftly. In her first
tournament, back in 2012, as a 21-year old (and thus one of the youngest competitors),
she was back with us in 476th.
But by leaps and bounds she has progressed, and did so again this year,
rising from 181st to 129th place, moving from Division E to D to C
and now knocking on the door of B. She was one of only 65 contestants to complete every puzzle without an error.
But while we are not in the elite, we do get to play on the
big stage, not by performing crossword magic as a champion, but rather in the
Talent Show. The Talent Show serves the functional
role of killing time on Sunday morning after Puzzle Seven, so that scores can
be finalized and thus finalists and other award winners determined. This was our fourth year of performing, in a
band we call “Clueless,” that purports to represent the “plight of the
crossword challenged,” those who, like Wendy and me, plod along in the
competition as members of Division E.
Each year we perform a crossword-themed song parody, with Kristy as lead
singer, me on the guitar, and Wendy serving as back-up singer and, this year,
on the kazoo. We were the sixth of ten
acts, which included six other musical acts (performed by a variety of mostly professional
musicians, which we are not), two comedians of various stripes, and a juggler
who preceded us and exacted a huge roar from the crowd.
Our song, plaintively titled, “We Didn’t Solve the Puzzle,”
was set to the tune of the Billy Joel classic, ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire,”
which, as you recall, was a rapidfire review of world history from roughly the
early 1950’s to the late 1980’s. Ours
was devoted instead to all the funny words and celebrities one learns about through
the puzzle solving experience, the ones that are often repeated because of
their wonderful “filler” abilities – essentially short words with a happy mix
of vowels and consonants. There are also
a few stanzas recognizing the constructors who torment us; each of the constructors
who contributed the eight puzzles featured in the tournament are mentioned, as
well as a few others.
The Talent Show may be a filler event but it is captures
perfectly the light-hearted spirit of the entire weekend. The audience, fellow solvers who, like us,
have just completed Puzzle Seven, are ready to relax. They are wondrously supportive of our follies;
all they want to do is laugh and help us along.
It is a terrific group, incredibly talented, kind and generous of
spirit.
After our performance they shared their good wishes with
us, and a few of them asked us for the lyrics, which we reprint below.
We’ll be back in 2018, of course, in our roles as solvers,
Talent Show performers and, ultimately, spectators of what will surely be
another riveting set of finals.
We Didn’t Solve the Puzzle (to
the tune of “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” with apologies to Billy Joel)
Oreo or olio? Or the soldiers at St. Lo?
Epee, Esme-- don’t know which to do
Is it Asta -- yeah the dog, or Asti -- the
bubbly grog?
Yoko Ono, the brothers Alou
Was it Tosca or Aida, or the sands of Iwo Jima?
Uzi, ouzo, Apolo Ohno
It could be the UAR – wait I think the UAE
REO, GTO -- I don’t drive -- how would I know!!!
We didn’t solve the
puzzle
Though our minds were
churning while the clock was turning
We didn’t solve the
puzzle
Couldn’t get the theme
and now we want to scream!
Entertainment’s not for me – Captain Hook and
faithful Smee
Oona, Uma, actresses I think
Barbara Bel Geddes of Dallas, and of course
Esai Morales
Opie, Odie – puts me on the brink
Sports – well there I’m not so hot, just know
Giant slugger Ott
Ogee, Agee – wasn’t he a Met?
I don’t get what hockey’s for – well there’s Boston
legend Orr
Jai alai, worth a try – gotta ante up a bet!!!!
We didn’t solve the
puzzle
Though our minds were
churning while the clock was turning
We didn’t solve the
puzzle
Couldn’t get the theme
and now we want to scream!
There was Mork who was from Ork, and there is
that other orc
Ewok, Eloy, how is one to know?
Maybe it is AOK, or Isao Aoki
Eli, Ali, with a TKO
Is it oro -- or oso? Just more Spanish I don’t know
Ural, Aral -- all the same to me
Is a caribou an elk? Or something of a different ilk?
Emu, or a gnu – just more beasts I’ll never see!!!
We didn’t solve the puzzle
Though our minds were
churning while the clock was turning
We didn’t solve the
puzzle
Couldn’t get the theme
and now we want to scream!
Patricks Berry and Blindauer, I can’t finish in
an hour
Mike Shenk, Bruce Haight, I can’t get the theme
David Steinberg, Trip Payne, both are driving
me insane
Brandon Emmett Quigley, a bad dream
Paula Gamache, David Poole, they make me look
like a fool
Julie Bérubé, I can’t get the flow
Michael Shteyman, David Kahn, what exactly are
they on?
Lempel, Merrell, Joel Fagliano
Now it’s time for us to go
Division E -- that’s what we know
Not Greek, not sports
Blame it all on Will Shortz!!!!
We didn’t solve the
puzzle
Though our minds were churning
while the clock was turning
We didn’t solve the
puzzle
Couldn’t get the theme
and now we want to scream!
We didn’t solve the
puzzle
Though our minds were
churning while the clock was turning
We didn’t solve the
puzzle
Couldn’t get the theme
and now we want to scream!
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